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 Post subject: Chronicles - biographies
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 11:39 am 
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<center>ZIPPERHEAD</center>

Zipperhead's origins are lost somewhere in the mists of time, although rumour has it that he is the result of a research project by the members of the Illuminati responsible for The Torture Garden that had the aim of producing the perfect man.

Zipperhead has an uncanny ability to read the innermost desires of anyone with whom he comes into contact, and pervert those innermost desires into something wildly beyond the realms of comfort while making them seem more desirable then ever.

He has a strong sense of chivalry, and submissive tendencies that disguise a cunning ability to manipulate from within. Zipperhead may give the outward appearance of doing what one desires, but those desires are what makes people vulnerable to him.

For this reason his steed has a chaemeleon-like property: it can change its appearance in the mind of an observer to enhance the uncanny effect of Zipperhead's psychic libido.



<center> FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD</center>

Sex: Male
Height: 6' (183cm)
Weight: 170lb (77kg)
Eye colour: Grey
Hair: Dark brown
Race: If elbow grease is involved, yes.

Distinguishing features:
Provided that you can see past the glamour and are not overwhelmed by that long-buried secret fantasy of being tied to a physio couch, covered in yak butter and licked by Siamese twin Thai ladyboys, there are some physical signs that Zipperhead is a product of the Illuminati breeding and enhancement programme. But you'll be too busy thinking about yak butter to notice.

MEMO:
This character is possibly even more of a danger than that goddamned Mrs Pike. At least Mrs Pike only produces wholesome, natural, decent thoughts of the things you would like to do to her. Zipperhead has the ability to fill your head with thoughts of things you would like to be done to you. Repeatedly. And while you're thinking about them they get more elaborate and more perverted and twisted until finally you stop thinking like a decent, car-loving, God-fearing human being and start looking for jobs as a cage dancer in a vampire fetish club.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 12:02 pm 
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Do feel free to post your own.

Those of you who have already sent me bios and have been waiting in vain for me to do something with them - I have them saved. I'll sort it.

Sam

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:34 am 
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You like Graham then, Sam? :wink:

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:55 am 
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Ravenbait wrote:
Zipperhead has an uncanny ability to read the innermost desires of anyone with whom he comes into contact

Well, he bought me a Stella!! :lol:

Are you sure he's only 6 foot? :?


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:31 pm 
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I believe he is as tall as you desire him to be Fattersbedrinkingstella.

Tim: I am quite taken with him :oops:

Sam

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:18 pm 
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It's not often that I meet women with this much good taste - I shall have to reward you appropriately!


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:04 pm 
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<center>Mrs Pingu</center>

Mrs Pingu has been described as a cross between a female Jan Ullrich in closed season and Bender from Futurama. No-one knows her exact origins, only that she stumbled out of a bog in the tribal regions some years ago.

An ill tempered laboratory dweller by nature, her secret anguish stems from being in the pay of the hand that feeds the ABD. However, her softer side may be observed in the company of small animals and cakes (especially millionaire's shortbread).

Mrs Pingu's cycling career started off modestly but recently has risen to the challenges of mythical TdF mountains and a century ride in the teeth of a wind sent from the very buttocks of doom. She hopes to make a mark in the Sorority by combining her alchemical skills with her burgeoning silversmithing talents.

Mrs Pingu likes her cats Pippin and Mojo, seals, kriek, cake, purple, gadgets, toilet humour and germknodel. She dislikes the wind, malt loaf(!), coffee and porridge.

She has two steeds, who deign to be ridden but not to be named. The one she is to be found with at leisure is of sparkly poo colour and likes big steep hills. The one for utility is blue with a big girls blouse sloping top tube and rumour has it is soon to be equipped with mudguards.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD.

Sex: F
Height: 5'6"
Weight: Chunky
Eye Colour: Blue.
Hair: Short - often multicoloured (red/copper/purple).
Race: Phoca vitulina vitulina

Distinguishing Features: 2 black furry familiars at her heels

Memo:
Her ability to compose ditties about involving cats and toilet humour could render our weaker members senseless.This ones' Achilles heel may come in cake form or in her inability to turn down a game of The Minister's Cat.

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"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
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"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:08 pm 
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<center>PINGU</center>

The early life of Pingu was chronicled in the eponymous but factually dubious BBC TV series (I mean whoever heard of a penguin becoming spherical FFS? Or running a circus? Or playing the mouth organ?).

Becoming disillusioned with sledging and throwing snowballs all day, Pingu swapped the snowy wastes for the heathery wastes of the land where the heathens live.

After being sent down from the University of Life for listening to prog rock he has spent the last few years being Quangoed whilst indulging in his passion for cheese and marmite sandwiches washed down with real ale.

These days he spends his leisure time looking for ever steeper hills to push his trusty OCR and his trusty wife up in between trying to avoid members of the human race in general.

Would be a fully paid up member of the Apathy League if he could be bothered filling in the application.

Though a natural Cake Stop dweller, Pingu can sometimes be found in Campaign winding up the ABD wielding his top of the range Sarcasm-O-Matic with optional Sub-Etha-Facetionizer.

When not in Cake Stop he can be found scouring the shores of A-time for pinnipeds in need with Mrs Pingu and their furry feline familiars, Mojo and pippin.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD


Sex: Male
Height: About up to here
Weight: Only in gravity
Eye colour: Blue
Hair: On an aquatic fowl?
Race: Prefers Audax

Distinguishing features: Looks like a waiter

MEMO
Unfortunately Pingu seems impervious to our cunning ABD logic, even Professor SafeSpeed has no effect on him.

According to the pinko-commy-fag-anti-car BBC, Pingu's father is a postman - is there a connection to Evilchuffy here?

Allergic to the telephone - makes him go all wibbly.

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http://ravenfamily.org
"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


Last edited by Ravenbait on Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:11 pm 
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<center>FATBLOKE</center>

FatBloke stumbled across the CakeStop almost by accident when, out for a quiet 50 one day he stumbled into the Establishment whilst searching for a pint or two of refreshing Stella Artois. Having sampled the lovely Clare’s wares, and several pints of her well kept Stella, he decided to stay and has in fact rarely left the place since.

He rides an ageing GT Attack road bike called Nimrod, whose main feature is his redness. Almost everything is red except for his Carbon forks. He is also known to cavort about on a Specialized Rockhopper named Silver who is, unsurprisingly, silver.

FatBloke is of large build and generally a cheerful, fun loving fellow with a well developed sense of humour that can be misinterpreted as sarcasm. Like all people who seem generally cheerful he is slow to anger, but when he does get to boiling point makes the most of it. An ex-rugby player he is no stranger to fisticuffs.

Born to a poor family of seaside folk he spent his early years beachcombing for edibles and whatever on the beach at Southend. It was at this time that the Marine Mammals Defence Fund took an interest in him.

Annoyed that the MMDF had mistaken him for one of their charges FatBloke told them in no uncertain terms to go away, which eventually they did, although they still turn up occasionally, rattling their collecting tins and smelling of stale krill, but that is the danger of living within yards of the sea.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD


Sex: Male
Height: 6’1” (185cm)
Weight: 240lb (109kg)
Eye colour: Blue.
Hair: Crew cut dark
Race: Caucasian

Distinguishing features:
Really can’t be missed, especially when clad in full red cycling kit.

MEMO:
This individual really is a nasty piece of work. Very large and punches his full (considerable) weight. When he doesn’t punch he has a nice sideline in deadlegs and head-butts and scrotum squeezes.

Is rarely armed but doesn’t really need to be.

Favourite weapon is the bottom 24 inches of his Christmas tree from 1998 which he has fashioned into a formidable instrument of pain although he is very inventive at using any instrument that falls to hand.

Surprising turn of speed when necessary both on foot and on two wheels.

Has a weakness for lager beer, notably Stella. If offered enough may be persuaded to do things he otherwise would not. (Unfortunately the last of our people who tried were found out and as a result FatBloke turned them inside out with his bare hands).

Bikes – 2 that we know of: 1 red road bike and 1 silver mtb

Further Note: This individual would be an asset to the organisation. Is known to be a bit of a petrol-head, our sources say that he currently owns almost as many cars as bikes. Unfortunately his fierce (misplaced) loyalty to the League of Gentleman Cyclists and the Sorority make a defection unlikely.

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"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:14 pm 
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<center>GORDON</center>

Gordon is an Engineer who seems to have lots of “tricks” up his sleeve (he always wears long sleeves since his blood has thinned from years of working in warmer climes than the UK and feels the cold more than most ­ he has been in his element during the “hotter” extracurricular visits made by the cake-stoppers).

He stumbled on the Cake Stop in its early days, where he was warmly welcomed by all present and, apart from a few months enforced absence, regularly drops in to hear what others have to offer and, if all appears normal, sometimes leaves without saying anything. He does not mean to be aloof; it’s just his makeup.

He never really knows what the correct time is (he doesn’t wear a watch). He eats when he is hungry and sleeps when he is tired.

He rides a custom-built Mercian with a mix of Campagnolo and Shimano components (he is nothing if not fair, knowing that neither, on their own, is best).

He has been told that he has too much patience and will work away at a problem for as long as it takes to solve.

His weapon of choice is a TA Zephyr chainset with a 165mm crank in his right hand and, when required, the left side crank fitted with a Shimano PD959 pedal for its excellent gore-shedding properties.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD
Sex: Male
Height: 1.71m
Weight: 69Kg
Eye Colour: Blue/Grey
Hair: Light Brown/Fair

Distinguishing Features:
Easily lost in a crowd.

MEMO:
Gordon is a bit of an enigma; for years he liked nothing better than removing, overhauling, improving engines and driving his car. Now, we are lucky if he supports us with more than 3000 motoring miles a year. He needs to be monitored to see that he does not entirely turn to the “bright-sid

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"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:15 pm 
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<center>AEROFLASH</center>

Aeroflash is not like the majority of Cake Stoppers, largely on account of being dead. The short but keen cyclist had started frequenting the Cake Stop Bar and Grill when rather more corporeal. Sadly, the massed forces of the ABD, together with the betrayal of previously loyal Local Area Network led to Aeroflash departing from the mortal plane during the third canto of The Chronicles, and viewing the forum from somewhat further away. It was a very heroic death scene though in an ‘if you strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine’ kinda way.

His livery consists of red and silver, sometimes surmounted by the trappings of a very Earthly allegiance, a CSC gilet. The above does not clash in any way with the shimmering blue glow that surrounds both rider and bicycle, an aura that encapsulates Aeroflash when he decides to , a CSC gilet. The above does not clash in any way with the shimmering blue glow that surrounds both rider and bicycle, an aura that encapsulates Aeroflash when he decides to project a human form, handy when visiting chums at the Cake Stop – usually soft and welcoming, but crackling and sharp in the heat of battle.

Once Aeroflash rode the mythical Pinarello Stelvio ‘Nimrod’, a classical steel race frame that bore him many miles at speed and in comfort. However, after he ascended to the side of the Goddess, it was time to pass on this machine, and Aeroflash sent his trusty bike into the trustworthy hands of Laurence. A new steed was fashioned deep in the magma chambers of mount Etna by Hephaestus, blacksmith to the gods and delivered to him in fine style by the beautiful Mrs. H. (There might be some history there, but neither party mentions it).

Aeroflash acts as not-always-welcome muse to the Priestess (who appears to tolerate him indulgently) and conduit between the triple Goddess and the God of Time Trial bikes, a being whose role in the Cosmic order is to die at the end of each year and be reborn at the eve of the new season with shining new chainrings, slickly moving cables and bearings that slide like silk. Aid to the League of Gentleman Cyclists in times of trouble, organiser of pub meet and ride, and willing butt of the odd joke or two.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD

Sex: Male
Height: 5'6 (165cm)
Weight: 147lb (67kg)
Eye colour: Blue
Hair: Brown
Race: 4th Cat/What they used to call IC1 in The Bill

Distinguishing features:
Difficult to spot due to below average height, but appears to be of a slightly-soft-around-the-edges track sprinter. His jacket of normally reflective silver has a habit of turning into a cloaking device when in car headlights. Apparently.

MEMO

Tricky one this. If we’ve have got to him when he was still vulnerable car fodder in those early evening time trials on open-to-traffic roads, or wobbling uncertainly at the back of the bunch during handicap races it might have been a lot easier. As it is, we’re now dealing with a fully fledged ascendee who doesn’t appear to be trappable, killable, modify-into-cybernetic-organism-able or pretty much anything else nasty. Has the annoying ability to be able to hold A-time portals open for the rest of the ghastly two wheeled horde and always looks ever so slightly smug about it all. Never has enough bikes and will point anyone who’ll listen to his entry on Fixed Gear Gallery.

Despite an almost overwhelming reliance on public transport, has been seen on occasion in a car. Some hope yet then.

Verdict: Annoying

_________________
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"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:18 pm 
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<center>FIXED WHEELNUT</center>

Born in South London his parents took him to Herne Hill track to watch racing little did he know this would plant a seed in his sub-conscious a love for fixedwheel that would emerge decades later so with a single gear and a stubborn single mind to withstand pain and conquer goals put to him, loyal to his friends he will help when ever possible. Proffering distance over speed his ability to pedal so fast downhill has faster riders hanging back to view with a morbid curiosity.


FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD

Sex: Yes as often as possible
Height: 6’ 2”
Weight: 13st 10lb
Eye colour: Brown
Hair: What hair?
Race: Caucasian
Age: 41

Distinguishing features:
Recognisable by a pint of real ale in his hand when ever off the bike, numerous small scars but nothing major, often noticed by ability to pedal really fast and remain upright on a bike whilst under the influence of real ale


MEMO:
As a motor vehicle technician he is fully qualified to dismantle and disable the enemies main form of transport. His past knowledge of Judo and Ju-Jitsu is enough to stay out of harm in most situations when his fast dry wit has failed.

Chinks in his armour include a weakness for beer and flirty women can distract him.

_________________
:braaak: :borg:
http://ravenfamily.org
"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


Last edited by Ravenbait on Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:20 pm 
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<center>CHARLOTTE</center>

Having been brought up the daughter of a policeman in south London, it came as no surprise that Charlotte grew up to be a remarkably streetwise young lady. Her parents didn’t know it, but she was actually the result of bizarre and unnatural experiments to cross the genes of a exceptional Olympic athletes with those of Brunhild, mighty female warrior chief of the Valkyries. History records that the success of these experiments was doubtful…

Although Charlotte first enrolled at university to study law, and attended lectures in subjects as diverse as “taking candy from babies” and “asset stripping the elderly”, it became clear that a career at the bar was not for her. Besides, she much preferred edged weapons and combat trousers to horsehair wigs and subfusc. A talented guitarist, she considered making a career in music, but instead opted to run away and to fight as a mercenary in the jungles of South America, learning a variety of alternative uses for a top E string. Later, on her return to London, she was recruited by the secret services and learned how to use a G string to her advantage as well…

Inspired by her childhood hero Mr T and with the support of her new political masters, Charlotte enrolled in an engineering course with the express intention of learning how to create ingenious devices which would benefit the human race and (as she put it at the time) “to get better at blowing shit up”.

Charlotte can be found riding a variety of bicycles. Fifi is her highly modified (and outrageously pink) Specialised mountain bike, equipped with Ultegra STIs, drop handlebars, rearward facing mortars and slick tyres. For lengthier journeys, she rides an HP Velotechnik Streetmachine GT, a short wheelbase and fully suspended recumbent. When on assignment in London, she favours an old skool fixed track bike with clip’n’flip bars, one brake and lots of attitude. She wears a Titanium Met Ippogriffo, racing red Rudy Project Freeons and black lycra.

Tall, fit and not altogether unattractive, Charlotte appreciates the true meaning of Roosevelt's famous adage "speak softly and carry a big stick". Her preferred weapons include wit, charm, guile, subterfuge and a dirty great big lump of gas pipe.



FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD

Sex: Female
Height: 5'10 (178cm)
Weight: 168lb (76kg)
Eye colour: Green
Hair: Brown
Race: Valkyrie

Distinguishing features:
Tall, wears a lot of black and pink. Predilection for horned Viking helmets. You really can’t miss this one, I shouldn’t worry.

MEMO:
Although a relative newcomer to the Sorority, Charlotte is that most formidable of enemies as she’s a born again non car owner. That’s right - she was once one of our own. Living in London and owning a 4x4, we thought that we had her well and truly indoctrinated, but it would seem that she strayed into that damned Cake Stop place and got herself converted by these wretched people.

The boys over in our motorcycle division reckon that they’ve seen her dressed in black leather and riding round town on a big black Honda, so maybe all’s not entirely lost.

Well known for not being shy of a confrontation, this one specialises in taking our people on at traffic lights - with some success so far it would seem. She’s not afraid to make use of pretty much any low-down dirty trick in order to make her point. Poor Dave hasn’t walked upright for months since the incident.

If you don’t fancy a banana shoved up your exhaust pipe, just don’t get her angry, OK?

_________________
:braaak: :borg:
http://ravenfamily.org
"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:25 pm 
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<center>TimC</center>

TimC is a convert from the Dark Side, having spent the vast majority of his life conducting Infernal Combustion Vehicles of Land, Sea and Sky for organizations both civilian and military. Indeed, he did for many years indulge in the evil pastime of Motor Racing, and is still often to be found burning many tonnes of hydrocarbons at silly altitudes on behalf of his paymaster, the Bearded One. As a result, TimC now carries a probably unhealthy amount of radiation, shows a Pavlovian response to radio transmissions, and has a bizarre affinity for frikkin’ laser beams and young women.

After a very rash conversation in a wine bar (loosely related to a cake stop, but more soporific), he was converted to the joys of cycling via the rather rude shock of the London to Brighton ride a couple of years back, and is now somewhat of an evangelist ­ though easily sidetracked into conversations about the merits of overhead cams an…… STOP THAT!

TimC is familiar and even somewhat handy with a variety of weaponry, but is even more deadly anywhere near an establishment serving alcohol and food. While no rival of FatBloke, there are similarities in a bijou, compact stylee.

When the Brazilian Ladies Beach Volleyball Team are otherwise engaged, TimC’s favoured mount is currently a m*dgu*rd-equipped black Kinesis Racelight T, with Campag Mirage groupset, Open Pro 32 rims and lots of bling, but his sexy little Saracen Aubisque (Shimano Sora/105), though a little on the lardy side by modern standards, gets the occasional ride out on nice days. In true misogynist fashion, he can never remember their names.


FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD:

Sex: Male. Definitely.
Height: 5’8” (172 cm)
Weight: 83kg (this week)
Eye Colour: blue.
Hair: Yes, all his own ­ brown.
Race: Not any more.

Distinguishing Features: None when clothed. Which, fortunately, he usually is.

MEMO:
Um, wasn’t he one of ours? Oh, shite. A convert. They’re the worst, you know; ever met a born-again non-smoker? (He’s one of those too.) And ex-military. Good one to avoid, then.

_________________
:braaak: :borg:
http://ravenfamily.org
"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:28 pm 
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<center>NEWBIE (Vince)</center>

Newbie will not usually be found at the forefront of the League’s ranks marching upon the lair of the ABD, attempts to find him in the middle are also likely to fail, the cupboard under the counter of Cakestop is a more likely place. Cowardice is not an attribute of shame but a perfectly respectable, considered survival instinct. Much to his distress, occasionally some claim by the ABD, threat to a fellow League members or lack of lactose-free lasagna will result in a display of uncharacteristic backbone. This will last just long enough to get him into something that he will seriously regret, causing blind panic and usually a need to be bailed out by more capable members of the League or Sorority. If he really cannot get a doctor’s note, he may be persuaded to take part in a quest if given a supply of clean vests and accompanied by more ferocious League members.


FROM THE FILES OF THE ABD

Sex: Male
Height: 5'10¾
Weight: clinically problematic
Eye colour: dishwater grey
Hair: largely historical.
Race: believed caucasian

Distinguishing features:
Occasionally described as the genetic product of a young James Gandolfini and Penfold from Dangermouse.

MEMO
Not usually dangerous provided he has time to think about how scary a situation is. Try not to startle as may retaliate without thought of consequences. Can usually be relied upon to advise a tactical retreat and strategic surrender.

Recent reports have been received of Newbie’s experiments in ‘Battle Flapjack’, a substance of such density and hardness that the sturdiest Volvo windscreen will craze on contact. Colleagues in the Road Haulage industry have been asked to monitor deliveries of oats and syrup to Cakestop, although it is believed that if he burns through another pan on the gas stove Clare will banish him from the kitchen extinguishing the threat.

_________________
:braaak: :borg:
http://ravenfamily.org
"You might remember that 'annoyed' is my natural state!"
http://quantumcoyote.com
"Ya'd think we could just attracts ants, like normal people."


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